Controlling Your Ego

Many of us live controlled by our Ego. We have no say over when it will ruin our relationships, when it will destroy our career, or when it will take away our happiness. Actually, many of us don’t even know we have an Ego. Thats whats so special about it.

Ego presents itself in all different forms: Jealousy, Anger, Envy, Frustration, even Happiness!

Think of Ego as a monster that makes our bad look good and everybody else’s good look bad. It gives us false confidence at the expense of those around us.

So how do we overcome it? After being consumed by ego for all my life, I’ve been able to use 2 principles from Ego Is The Enemy by Ryan Holiday to help suppress my ego.

Do Something vs. Be Somebody

Success. What does it remind you of? Is it a person or a group of people? Is it a programmer working late nights with his team or a business magnet on the cover of Forbes Magazine? Is it a kid putting in 1000’s of hours of practice or a legend wining that sweet championship?

Naturally, we identify success with being at the top.

Let’s take one of my role models, Steve Jobs. He was short tempered. He was Selfish. He was an asshole. When I began my first Startup, I mirrored all of his “success traits”. I felt like I was Jobs. Every decision I made was not to improve the company but it was to boost my ego. To validate my belief that I was Steve Jobs.

Then reality and Ryan Holiday’s lesson hit me, I realized that although Jobs had the traits I listed above, that’s not what made him succeed. He didn’t start his career wanting to be on the cover of Forbes.

He started with a vision, it was never about himself. He wanted to bring an easy to use computer to every household. His thoughts, decisions, and behaviors were all a byproduct of his drive to do something; to make the world better.

Implementing this in my life, I detached myself from the CEO position I badly wanted and set my vision on delivering the best value to the customer. This sense of purpose that went beyond my selfish needs, helped direct every decision and every action towards that higher purpose — the customer.

Reality Vs. Perception

Our ego makes us the main characters not only in our story but in everybody else’s, even nature’s. Take the Covid-19 Pandemic, how many of us thought it was our own luck or karma getting back at us? That’s what ego does. It turns everything into an attack targeted directly towards us.

Let me share an example from my life. Long story short, I’m doing a startup, I’m broke, and I have to live with my parents.

In their eyes, they are supporting me in my entrepreneurial journey. In my eyes, I’m stuck at home like a prisoner because I’m broke. Every small thing used to set me off. If my mom saw me eating too much ice-cream or sleeping too late everyday, she would ask me to change because its not good for my health. Being an egomaniac, I thought she was trying to show superiority and make me feel dependent.

Now let’s dissect what happened.

1. My mom saw me getting into unhealthy habits
2. She warned me and asked me nicely to change
3. This is it, this is all that happened!
4. Now my ego comes into play and makes it all seem like an attack directed towards me

Every situation has an objective reality and our subjective perception. Our perception is always caused by ego and makes everything about us. After forcefully suppressing my perception in many situations, I’m able to see people’s honest intentions and build deeper connections.

Applying These Principles

We can never destroy all our ego in one day. Sometimes we will feel like shit after killing our ego. Thats not wrong, we have been letting our ego falsely make us feel good and better than everybody. It will take time to suppress this beast.

Let’s start with baby steps based on the principles above.

1) Be Aware of the Beast

We never see it coming. Ego sneaks up on us and we will lash out with anger, envy, or any other ego induced emotion. Then once everything is settled and the ego monster is back in hiding, we feel guilty. We realize how our actions have hurt the people and things we care about.

Any time you are overwhelmed by emotions: Take a breather, Isolate the action from your reaction, and Look at it from a third person point of view.

Just imagine your friends parents advise him in front of you. Will you join your friend in scolding his parents because they embarrassed him? Or will you tell him they only advised him because they care about him and that he’s overreacting? If we are able to think objectively for other’s problems, with deliberate practice and awareness we can do so for ourselves too.

2) Find Your Something(s)

To find your something(s), first detach yourself from wanting to be somebody.

Wanting to be somebody is always seeking to be like somebody else. Whether it’s a role model or an idealized person, it’s always somebody else. In this process you will lose friends, you will need to make many ego driven compromises, and most importantly you will lose your sense of self.

Now that we’ve steered away from wanting to be somebody, how do we find our something?

Start with what you love. Is it writing? Constantly share your thoughts and help empower others. Is it sports? Join a team and use your love for the game to boost up your teammates! Is it family? Do everything you can to connect regularly and take care of them.

Start by being selfish. Figure out what you love. Now remove the selfishness and turn your passion into a purpose.

Conclusion

I hope these principles opened your eyes to acknowledge ego. Let’s face the monster hiding within us. Let’s make sure every time it tries to come out, we push it back in. Don’t give it the power to control your life!

This is just one of the lessons I’ve learned from Ego Is The Enemy by Ryan Holiday. To learn more on how to manage your ego, read this eye opening book!